To my Mum

Dear Mum 

I know you have found the past couple of years difficult. That is not a surprise really. 15 years ago you thought you had two loving sons embarking on their professional careers, the Emergency Department Nurse and the Police Constable. Yes we all mourned my Dad, a wonderful pragmatic man who inspired his children to strive hard and act with integrity and honesty.

7 year ago it all started to unravel, Your elder child's life unravelled, 'his' job  came to an end due to struggles at work, technically homeless but still guiltily  trying to hang on to a life with a spouse. 

4 and a half  years ago you  thought you  got your son back... but all ready he was hiding a secret  from you, within the year , new friends and new persepective on things brought that truth to the front.  You met Nicola  you  showed her love but deep down  you hoped it was just a thing, a phase ...

2 years ago you realised  she wasn't going to go away, but you liked the joy  she brought into people's lives, you liked the light she brought back into your 'son'...

Then she dropped a bombshell... your son was a liar, a complete fabrication and he was going to go, to disappear...  you have  a Daughter you always had  had a daughter just she didn't  know how to get out of the cage society had created for her ... a cage called 'that boy'...  Then came the guilt and the blame,  despite the fact  Nicola  held you close and told you were not to blame, that  she loved loved and hoped you would love her  as you had loved that boy.

I wish this could be different  but this is the hand  i've been dealt.

I know it  sounds dramatic, but equally this will not be a revelation to you as i have said it to you ; The choice was simple and stark - a living happy  daughter   or a dead (whether actually  or metaphorically) son.

I am Nicola Jayne,  I am me I am your daughter, and I love my mum  


  1. So powerful. Thank you for saying outloud what we and our Mums have come through.


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