The following  post may containing  content which some people find distressing. 

I found it distressing at the time , as, I think, did some of the people who were  present at time

Those who read my blog on a reasonably regular basis will know that I spend a significant proportion of my free time doing ballet...  this is relevant to the topic only because it happened  during a  rehearsal  for a piece i'm going to be in later in the year.

I think most people who take ballet class have had a moment in a class or a rehearsal when their mind goes blank and their forget the combination in class or the piece of choreography they are rehearsing ...

This happened to me on Saturday... it's happened before and normally it isn't a problem , but this time it was -   not only did my mind go blank it filled up again with all sorts of horrid dysphoric  thoughts  ' why are you doing this ?' , ' why do you think you deserve to perform ? '  why do you think anyone will ever take you seriously?', 'you aren't a woman you are just a  stupid man with a fetish', ' you aren't a dancer you are a lump ' . ' they all just laugh at your fat body ' ...

I ran away and then I was frozen to the spot ...  I hope i didn't say anything nasty or naughty  to  Fiona or  to any  one else in the  rehearsal  -   i can't  remember what was said;  I dissociated and it scares me when that happens.

fortunately  it  passed  quickly  and  and  the fabulous support from my  ballet buddies  got my head back in the game. 

I love my #BalletFamily ! 



  1. I'm sorry to hear that happened, hopefully its just a moment in time and won't happen again


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