Some Assemblé Required part 1

The accent is  deliberate in assemblé  and it's - shock horror ! - a ballet pun ...

a basic definition of assemblé in ballet terms is as follows : -" 
In a basic form, an assemblé is when one foot slides along the floor before brushing into the air. As the foot goes into the air, the dancer then jumps by pushing into and off the floor with the supporting leg and foot. ... The dancer then lands on the floor with a plié in fifth position. "

or as various ballet teachers are known to exclaim "what does assemblé mean? - put together! "

 And, this is what this post is about; the rebuilding process that is underpinning my recent history.

About 2 years ago, my dysphoria started becoming more and more intense and unstoppable, when you can't live in your own skin you have to do something. I agonised for much of that summer and by August i'd almost made my mind up that  transition was the only viable option...  I'd talked to Louise about it, i'd talked to various other people , but the icing on the cake was August 2017 The Ballet Retreat and the first time I met someone I now count as a dear friend in the 'meat space'... that someone was Sophie Rebecca.

While Nicola had manifested herself by this time on a 'part time' basis, very little or what I had done presenting as Nicola had been 'ordinary vanilla activities'  especially ones where there was a defined attendance (vs going to the shops for example). However as stated in The butterfly unfolds her wings - August  2017 wasn't when people met Nicola in total... although I did out myself to quite a lot of the people there (some of whom now ret-con their relationship with me to that point).

But this jumping ahead, the self-assembly process began before then... with  the realisation of my identity and that I had been deep in denial for many years.

Who was I, what did I want from transition? 

Who was I ? -  more to the point...  Who am I?

I'm me; I'm Nicola Jayne !

yeah  - but who is she?

She was a scared little girl, and the scared (and scarred) little girl is still there ... The process of peeling away the layers of callous and scar tissue from 30 + years of the cruelty of society even to the shell/ lie because of 'his' failings to carry off the act, is a hard process with pain and raw spots.

I'm told I have confidence, when you've performed your life for as many years  as I had trying to be 'that boy' the performative aspects of living as your real authentic self comes relatively easily... 

One 'skill' from my past professional exploits was the ability to mask your own anxiety and concerns to provide a reassuring presence to the patient (or their  significant others) so that plus the growing confidence of being me must given off an aura of apparent confidence/ "don't mess with me"... However the imposter syndrome that people feel in their dysphoria is very intense.

Add in the concerns over 'passing' you can see why social transition is such a big deal for many people ...


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