What Leads to Transition - My Story summarised

A couple of early posts on the blog (here and here) were called 'What leads to Transition' , they were quite rambling and didn't arguably talk all that much about the what and why of my decision to transition, in part this was despite it being one year post social transition and over a month into 'full on' Medical Transition I was still coming to terms with my own identity and it's evolution.

The choreographer George Balanchine said "
I don't want people who want to dance; I want people who have to dance." and this is a little bit of what I felt in Summer 2017 about transition, 2 plus years of exploring who 'she' was came to a crisis point, fortunately for me, I was in a position where I had stability in work in work, home and friendship, I had also found my happy place in the ballet Studio. Transition is rarely a choice, it is  generally a necessity  the alternatives being  far worse or

It reached to point where a feeling and sensation that I had previously  considered to be panic attacks started to reoccur but without seeming triggering events.  I now do wonder if much of my depressive symptoms going right back to the late 1990s were in fact symptoms of Dysphoria, and the feeling of being lost, or dissociative and depersonalised existence stemmed from my dysphoria rather than  from some of the situations I found myself in.

Summer 2017 and the need to transition ... It was quite simply the case that being 'that boy'  was putting on the face and putting on the costume, and the realisation that  he had  just been a series of characters I'd portrayed - to survive in a hostile to openly LGBTQ people school environment in the era of S.28, to try and assert my position against the 'rah' element in my first  attempt at higher education and then the constructed  persona of my time as a Nurse. 

There are now two words that cover that summer , 'fear' and 'trapped'

Fear of transitioning, but fear of not transitioning, I recognised that many of  the problems  were  in fact  due to the impact of Dysphoria -I realised there was no way  forward  a productive vital human that did not feature the dominance , if not  exclusion of any  other , of my  true self, my  true self being the  Woman who posesses the name Nicola Jayne, a woman deprived of a girlhood  by ignorance and fear.

I felt trapped  by being him, trapped to the point that  there were people who  within 24 hours of having met them  when I was presenting  masculine  knew about the real me,  these people are some of my  dearest friends now and part of my tribe,  a family of  choice bound by a love of dance the #TBRFamily.  In other posts i have talked about the few months between  my first and  Second TBR and that  January  2018 TBR was a very public  expression of  the authentic me.    


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